If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
