im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
True college students do jello shots in the library
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
