Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize