The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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