mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
