I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
