happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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