I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
