You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
