Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
