Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
