We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
