Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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