My Higher Power is John Stamos
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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