I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
