Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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