It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
