nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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