he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
