I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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