sarcasm needs its own font
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
