I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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