she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
