Pappa wants mamma naked
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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