So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
