eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
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Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
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I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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