White coat. Heels.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
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Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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