she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
