I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
