Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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