i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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