i just wanna soil my oats bro
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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