You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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