Your dad touched me again.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I want to fling myself into the sun
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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