I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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