I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
