I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
