I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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