Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
