I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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