Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
