She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
