3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
