I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
