One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
