Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
