I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize