I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just gift wrapped bread.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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