I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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