Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
