I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
