I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
