I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
