Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
