im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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