So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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