Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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