Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dear god my vagina.
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