Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
